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A few more for mikeversion1.0 :)
(I'm feeling inebriated)
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
'The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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A religious young woman went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."
The priest said. "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night, my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest replied, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?!"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"
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