Blog: katsknoll on LiveVideo.com

Gender: Female
Status: Taken
Age: 50
Sign: Libra
City: NC High Country
State: North carolina
Country:

United States

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FRIDAY, MARCH 21, 2008 (8:24 AM)

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and that's the way it is

First I managed 7 days, and then I managed.. what, 15 weeks? Now I've managed somewhere around 14 months. Geeez. How do I start this?

I guess it's indicative that even now, sitting down with the express intent of writing some kind of valedictorian entry, and having even thought about what I want to say, I can't motivate myself to type it. But let's not go there again. It's boring.

Far as I can reckon out, feeling accepted, is a strange thing. Sure, all my radicals are already, but, - I saw somewhere on here that wisdom cannot be written down. That stayed with me.

There's a lot I will never write. From my unwritten epic on the livevideo/iraqi war connection, (who's slickjimmy?) to my hours of enjoyment contemplating the writings of all 246 1whitecrow sonnets, to musings on intrusions on personal dignity and family and music that I could never quite sculpt into enough of a thought to call it an entry, to my brief determination to do a thorough job on my own much neglected community.

Going about your daily life, you know how you run several mental processes at once. You're thinking about the person you're meeting for lunch, you're also mulling over that book you finished last night, you're pondering that big issue at the back of your mind, you're probably trying to figure out the person you're currently talking to. It's interesting, because I find that almost all of my mental processes are inundated by the immense and constantly significant epiphany that this is all that matters. It's a very interesting phenomenon.

LiveVideo has been my sole hobby for over a year. I've assimilated around 20 people directly. One thing it took me a while to realize is, everything is more TV. I'm not rigourous enough to learn from it, so I stagnate instead. Another was that the community of livevideo is as such a surrogate, or even just as valid a replacement for real interaction. I've noticed that generally, the more I have to do, the less I am here. Draw whatever conclusions you like from the evidence here. Perhaps, the more self-respect you have, the less you care about, etc.

So, I'm going to hope now. To an extent, I won't detail what has passed, because I needn't. I'm scared, of course, because of transience because of human nature because of uncertainty, because one year is a long time, but, but. My inner platitude whispers to me that it'll be alright. So to my close friends who've been here along with me, and that I value more and more. Hope. Hope.

So, this isn't goodbye at all, because I don't think I'm that big. When I'm writing a 2000 word essay every day, I wonder whether I'm trying to get the cheap respect of strangers for it here, and I think that perhaps I will. I've realized that I've learned more about myself and other people in the last 14 months than in any other period. Now, livevideo should be the reason, and livevideo isn't the reason. Perhaps a little disillusionment has sprung from the realization that a degree of acceptance has been offered me despite mediocity.
Sadly, it's so plain that livevideo means nothing that it's difficult to dress this up as insight.

Category: Blogging

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Posted Jul 2, 08 by investigate2 (

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"A teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind"
Khalil Gibran
huggin you Kat.

Posted Jun 27, 08 by mango8260 (

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Your so cool...much respect always. xoxo Mango xoxo

Posted Mar 21, 08 by B4Salk (

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14 months? However have you survived that long? It has been 10 months for me and I wonder if I'll make it to one year. Thanks for being My Friend.