Blog: denebola on LiveVideo.com

Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 39
Sign: Sagittarius
City: Ogden, UT
State: Utah
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FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2008 (5:46 PM)

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Continued

(I'm feeling lonely)

Basically, is, if at all possible, I’d like to avoid being a part of all that, and not simple so I can proudly hold my head up, turn up my nose, and say to myself, “What a bunch of barbaric pricks.” Actually, I will like just about anyone if they’re nice to me. Why not? If they’re not shooting or raping or chopping me up, I figure they’re not doing so bad, in this kind of environment especially. Now, unfortunately, I’m only human and prone to human imperfections, but being human also has some decent qualities and that’s a pretty advanced learning capability, forgiveness, and compassion, and also self reflection. I just don’t feel like hurting anyone, and would also like to see other people feeling and doing the same way as I do. I mean, you don’t have to like the same things I do, or like the same political party or even be that interested in science, but hey, if people suddenly started being nice, all the killing stopped, I don’t care if everyone carried bibles and wore shoes on their heads, and suddenly became fans of Hannah Montana (which is normal for kids, but as an adult I’d find that a bit off.) The important thing is that the suffering stops, and we put our money towards something better like helping people, rather than finding the nastiest way to turn someone into fleshy soup from the farthest distance possible. Now, I’m not pointing fingers, because quite frankly, I don’t have that many fingers, and I also don’t feel like turning them inside out to point back at me. I admit it. I’m kind of an ass sometimes, though I have to say it’s a reaction and not an intention, and I don’t see that as a bragging right. I was born that way. It’s just how it is, kind of like how a rock is hard. You don’t see rocks winning awards for being hard. Although, if I were to win anything it might be a look of amazement for staying alive with such a smart aleck attitude. I mean, it’s not that bad, but quite frankly, people get pissed off very easily, and I hate it when that starts rubbing off on me. I’ve even become pissed off quite easily at many times, and I think it sucks. I know peace won’t happen overnight, but it will never happen at all if even a small number of people don’t try. Sure, we’re all ripples in a big ocean, but if every ripple happened all at once, we’d create a tidal wave of peace, as absurd as that sounds, that is pretty much the effect everyone being nice someday would have. The nice thing about being nice, is it applies to everyone and nobody really has to drown or get smashed on any rocks. I guess I’m just tired, and I haven’t always had that much of a happy life. It’s been quite sad and scary and dangerous a lot of the time, but I don’t know, something just came over me I guess. Now, I am pretty certain I’m no where near the spirituality of the Dali Lama or Mother Teresa, but the fact that I’ve gotten this far with this perspective gives me a bit of comfort and hope. Hell, I’m no genius either so it’d be absurd of me to think I’m the only one that has thought along these lines, and yes, I do read and watch the news so I have pretty much witnessed that truth, as well as in person.

Another thing I’d like to add, is I’ll give almost everyone a chance. I mean, I’ve actually had gang members be helpful and nice, without asking anything in return, and also quite the opposite. The same even goes for police, firemen, regular people, etc. I’m quite convinced that every good group has its douchebags, and every corrupt group has its nice people. The trick is not to prejudge, and hold grudges against any one group, but be wise and kind, and you’re more likely to get positive results. At the very least, you don’t contribute to the problem if you’re just nice and try not to screw over someone.

Now, I am a social person but lately I’ve been unhappy enough with people’s behavior that I’ve become quite introverted, despite some valiant efforts to befriend me or socialize with me. For that, I’m truly sorry. I won’t say it’s 100% my fault, but even if it weren’t my fault at all, I’d still deeply regret it and apologize. I mean, wow, I’ve missed out on some great people’s friendships and fun activities. Quite frankly, time really is like sand, and it falls between the fingers into the great unknown, forever as far as I know. So, I’ve probably missed out on some of these people, if not the majority of them, forever. Kind of sad really, but rather than let that drag me down so that I do the same with people I meet now and in the future, I’ll learn from it and try to make up for lost opportunities, happiness, and friendships. I may be a man, and kind of big, and even able to survive a lot of things, but something I don’t enjoy surviving with is a broken heart and wounded spirit. And since I’m not suicidal, I realize I either change my reactions and behavior, or basically go on pretty miserable until I die of natural causes or saying the wrong smart ass thing to the wrong person and winding up a vegetable or dead. Hell, even being crippled would suck really bad because I love sports. I also like being able to piss standing up and walk large distances without depending on some type of machinery. Well, I’m quite tired from writing, and a bit emotionally drained as well. I kind of wonder if this is what it feels like to drink Douglas Adam’s fictional Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, or somehow being pimp slapped by a deity some days. I may be lazy and weak, but I much prefer the easy route, and to me the easy route is being nice, avoiding pain, and just having fun. I also don’t like seeing people in pain, and lately I’ve even felt a bit guilty about eating meat, though I realize not doing so is pretty bad for my health. I like how the Native Americans went about this, and thanked their brother animals for letting themselves be hunted and eaten, and basically, sorry, I was just really really hungry and didn’t wanna die. Many other religions seem to do the same thing, at least in a round about way, by blessing food. At least they’re not saying, “Boy, did you see that thing squirm when I chopped it’s head off? Thanks God!” Atheists do it another way, most often by joining PETA, or something like it, and becoming vegetarians. People in their right minds don’t enjoy killing animals, unless that little critter so happens to be chewing on their leg, or they’re scared shitless at the sight of that animal.

You know, I just love the idea of double-majoring now. I’m going to finish Telecom, simply because I’m so damn close to getting that degree, and two degrees looks good on a resume, and I think I’ll do something in Zoology or MicroBiology since Marine Biology means I’d have to leave my family behind, and I do love animals. I’d become a vet if it didn’t mean cramming something up their orifices or cutting them open or something. I know they are only helping them but I am a bit squeamish about the whole thing, especially with people. I guess because of that, I’d never voluntarily join a gang. I mean, come on, I sure don’t wanna see what’s inside of you, even if it’s just from puking it up while partying with you. You’re probably a lot funner alive and not bleeding all over something, especially me. Same thing goes for raping, torturing, making someone feel bad. It’s bad enough I call people douchebags and utards and fucktards and all that, but killing the spirit is just as bad or worse, than putting a bullet in someone’s left butt cheek or sternum. I dunno, I think I could walk away more intact from the majority of flesh wounds, rather than being emotionally, spiritually, or physically ravaged in some horrible way. Besides, penises, vaginas, and various sex toys/objects are meant for fun and/or reproduction, not weapons of mass emotional/spiritual disruption.

That being said, I think we should have laws similar to Singapore, in most cases. People are actually quite happy over there, and lawlessness is pretty much a non-issue. I don’t believe freedom and happiness and self-expression comes from royally fucking over your environment. It’s not a lot to ask, and I do believe in helping people so we’d have to, at the same time or quite quickly, solve the problems caused by governments and civilized society, whether as a whole or in small groups. I mean, seriously, even cops, clergy, doctors, shrinks, and everyone else out to help, fuck people over a lot. It’s kind of hard to expect criminals to behave when the ones making and enforcing the laws are doing just as badly, or in some cases, worse than the crime/disease/etc they claim to fight. The trick is to not be high and mighty when you go about solving this issue, because it’s like running at the public pool. You’re very likely to crack your head on the cement of life, just like every other person who didn’t listen and thought running was a good idea. Even when dealing out “justice” and all that fun stuff, you have to be really careful not to become the very monster you are fighting. Now, I’m not saying that’s easy at all. It’s really a bit of work, and not as easy as easy as starting the microwave or wiping your ass, for those of you who have a firm grasp on that sort of thing. The more you look around you, the more you realize it’s more like doing a really hard physics problem, while holding a baby, on a boat in the middle of a big storm on the ocean, while wiping your ass and turning on the microwave. Can’t really say I’m that talented but you do fail 100% when you don’t try, and if there’s even a slight chance I can do it I’m going to try. Besides, it’s not THAT hard for everyone. And things change. Something that’s difficult for you now is not always going to be that way. So, what I’ve come to believe, the only pointless thing is actually giving up. So don’t. Why bother? It’s actually more work giving up, for you, and those around you, than it is to put forth some effort. It’s really about attitude, belief, and believing in yourself and others, though maybe not always at the same time. I mean, life is entropy, but the crazy thing is the more you do that’s worthwhile, the more stable things become, at least inside of you. That’s really what counts. Man, this has turned into a novel, and now people are going to think I either had a near death experience or finally gave in and gave pot a try. Neither actually happened, but I did get tired of being unhappy and lonely. Yup. I’m lonely and quite frankly I’d like a girlfriend, being with my friends and making more friends. And also really want to be with my family and see them happy too. I mean, yeah, we have our moments but they’ve been through a lot too, and I’m pretty sure going through similar things as me, though we’re not always on the same timeline. I mean, nobody experiences exactly the same thing at the same time usually, not even fraternal twins. Damn, I keep trying to stop writing but keep typing, so, I’ll think of something vague or somewhat entertaining, or simply think of trying to think of something vague or entertaining. That might have to do, because quite frankly one of things I’ve always wanted to do, besides science and exploration, is write. What’s the point of having a Macintosh computer if you’re not going to do something creative? It sure as hell doesn’t play many video games!

One thing I’d like to add, is you can only go so far with a kind word or action. Some people need a bit more help, like a boot to the head, to say the least. This applies to racists AND criminals, especially gang members. Some of my fellow beaners just don’t get it. You know the nacos/macuanos that I’m talking about. Sorry, the civilized spaniard in me just has to say something. If you keep harassing, threatening and pushing me, you’d better not expect flowers and to make it to my Christmas list. I dedicate this to those turd burglars, and also for (as in respectfully in admiration) the law enforcement and government/military fighting asswipes like these:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBSkLfVp2fQ

Dance fools!

P.S. No I’m not gay. Was just feeling down and wanted a bit of respect. So, any pushy gay guys....go find a broomstick. You’re not welcome here. Any cool gay guys are welcome, but even more so, cool single chicks.

Category: Life

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