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Age: 46
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Days Of Future Passed

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2008

THURSDAY, JUNE 4, 2009 (8:55 AM)

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Days Of Future Passed

(I'm feeling sad)

I was listening to the Moody Blues this morning. I went looking for the CD because I needed a little prospective. Life as I have known it is not anything like it was either here or IRL. I'm directionaless. I can't seem to break free and move forward into anything.

I'm usually a positive person but the last year has taken it's toll on me personally and physically. I'm trying to regain my health and my balance using technics I learned over the course of my self discovery. However; I must also find new technics. I'm being blocked at every turn. I've turned inside and out over the course of a year or more. Looking inside I know in my heart there is still something that I need to be doing. What that is is really anyones guess. Beats me as to what that is. But I know this will pass and I will get answers.

My thyroid is out again. I'm waiting for conformation on my dosage of the med I use to control it. Over the course of my 45 years I have been to many psychologist. The last one who saw me almost three years ago said that I only have clinical depression. I now know that it is caused by my thryoid and predisposition too it.

I have only 2/3rds to 1/2 of my thyoid. I was born this way. For years I just believed I was stupid and lazy. That is not the case though. It's a balancing act. If it fails or starts producing I'm in BIG, Big Trouble. If I don't keep my eyes on it and my doc doesn't do tests every 6 weeks I become off balance and loose what I gained. I keep going in a loop and revisiting things I have cleared up. Old loves, Old outmoded ideas what should have beens dog me. For once in my life I wish that I could stay balanced and helpful. Because right now I am neither.

I really hate this! I hate feeling this bad. But it was coming all last year and most of this one. Like a domino effect things started to change last year with all the neighbor crap. My health failed. I damn near lost my best friend this year to a brain aneursym. I pray every day for her and hope that someday it can be like it once was or at least more beneficial for both of us. Because I do love her and will always love her. This has damn near broke my heart. I didn't really know I had any left to break. But there it is.

Plus I found out some negative stuff about myself. Like maybe the reason I am here at all. My family to say the least has some real screw balls in it. I am predisposed to all that. Without boring anyone that reads this I'll just say I might be here just to end the line of negative, depressed, violent, aggressive shit that has shaped my mother's side of the family. Daddy's side has its negative side too. I'm predisposed on both sides to depression. I feel all that has settled on me. I'm the last of my mother's line and father's line (The one he created). I have no kids to stick this with and really I am quite glad of that. I'm going to have to be stronger and more vigulant on my behavior and how I go out into the world. It's been a full time job just keeping me in balance and in line and on track. So for the last 18 years almost I haven't worked outside the home with the exception of a three month stint at a photo store. This screwed up my time to get disability. So most of my life I have sabatoged myself. That's going to have to stop. I guess when I come to terms with it then, I can move forward. I really want to do that. The last month I have wondered if I really should be alive at all. I really shouldn't be but here I am. I'm waiting for instructions and I really don't have the paitence any longer to wait. My life hasn't much in it right now. I'm trying to do what I have done in the past to fix things. I really hate feeling this way. Perhaps when I find out about the tests I'll feel better. Until then, I'm going to need a balancing stick for my high wire act and a magickal sword for the dragons or is it a hydra I have hanging around. Yeah, It's a hydra. You cut off it's head and it grows back. That magickal sword better have cauldrizing properties! Wish me luck. I'm Going To Need It!

PS. I just got the call from my doc. My thryoid test came back that I was right. Too little medication. I'm in the mist of not enough meds! I went up on my meds three days ago (not asking the doc long story for another time) and called my Endrocryninologist. However; she wants me to get in sooner and said she will help all she can to get me a appointment sooner. So there is hope. I'm still going to need prayers and well wishes. I hate to bring everyone down. Here is hoping something can and will be done soon. I can't stand the way I am feeling. It's not like me. But there is just so much you can fight on your own. Peace, Love and Light to you all. Love, Rose

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