Blog: InfiniteRegress on LiveVideo.com

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Age: 101
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State: California
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FRIDAY, AUGUST 29, 2008 (2:42 AM)

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Dear Mister Obama...

(I'm feeling bitchy)

I've got a great idea.
But it only works if America does what I hope to gods it doesn't and actually elects John McCain in November.
Barack Hussain Obama ('cos we mustn't forget his middle name, the man's clearly a Muslim and, rumor has it, he may actually be black too.) ups sticks and moves to the UK.

Think about it, Barack (I know you're reading this). The British love you, we could do without your twee homespun philosophising and motivational speaker demeanor but, hey, that's all behind you now. These days you talk about foreign policy and universal healthcare (Note for Republicans: 'Universal healthcare' is what the civilised world called socialiZed medicine, 'kay?) and other things that actually matter.
We love you because we know you're a smart man who made his way though Columbia University and Harvard through sheer hard work and not because you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. We know you're mum was a bit of a chav and your dad was a hellbound atheist with Zay Tonday spectacles. Those things make us love you even more.
We admire the fact you don't have a background in the oil industry or the military industral complex. In fact, most of us stupid Brits can't tell those two things apart anymore.
Like you, we can't figure out why people think it's so important that your wear a little metal pin of your country's flag or put your hand on your heart when the national anthem is played, especially when there's real stuff to fucking worry about. Hell, a quarter of us English don't even know what our flag looks like and if we put our hand on our heart when someone played 'God Save The Queen' we'd probably get the shit kicked out of us. And rightfully so.
Incidentally Barack, we know you know this but I bet most of your American colleagues don't even know what the English flag looks like. They probably think it looks like this, right?

But you and I know that the English flag looks like this...

Maybe, before you leave America for our shores you could clear that up for us? K'thanx.
So, we really liked the way you spoke tonight. We thought it was great that you told your current nation that, while you respect your opponent's war record, his policies are exactly the same as the current administration. That here is a man who has openly said he admires and supports the work of the most shameful, digusting and corrupt president the United States has ever 'elected'. Well, you didn't use those words. I did, and I'm speaking to you on behalf of all British people tonight. I wasn't elected but Jeb Bush said don't worry, he'd fix things so it'd be okay.
Hey Barack, that reminds me. I've got a joke for you:
What the difference between a cow and John McCain's war record?

John McCain doesn't know how to milk a cow.

But I digress.
So anyway, you really stuck it to them good and proper tonight but you know an I know it's not going to make any difference. When they get to the polls come November there's going to be a lot of people thinking "Hmm....I like Obama. Damn funny name, but he's okay I guess. But I've never voted for a ni... guy that young before. Maybe I'll just vote for the rich old white dude, whatisname, instead. Ya' know where you are with rich old white dudes. Plus, I'm pretty sure rich old white dude whatisisname isn't Hussein."
I don't want it to happen, you don't want it to happen, fuck I bet even Hilary Clinton doesn't want it to happen. But it'll probably happen.
Speaking of the Clintons, here's another thing. We don't care if you fuck an intern with a cigar. You can even use your penis if you like. This is Europe, we recognise that your ability to run the country and your ability to keep your cock in your trousers aren't inextricably linked. The Italians voted a female porn star into parliment. Hey, the French premier dumped his wife just after he was elected and is now banging some model half his age. That's the French though, we can't fucking stand the French. The point is, we don't care. I will say, however, that Michelle is a bit of a honey and if you cheat on her there's something wrong with you. I mean, Hilary? Fair enough!
Look Barack, we love you. Plus our version of the Democrats (they're called the Labor party, but you already knew that) are up shit creek without a paddle. We hate our prime minister. Which reminds me, I bet a lot of your American friends think our prime minister is this guy...

But you and I know it is, in fact, this fella...

...perhaps you could clear that up to, before you come over?
Anyway, we don't like him much and the Labot party needs some new blood. We're looking for a new PM, basically, and it'll be awfully embarrassing if his own party have to kick him out. That happened once before and the old bitch still isn't dead.
So think this stuff over Mr. Obama. We have all kinds of things you don't have in the US. Like black pudding, irony and TV stations with no commercial breaks. Sure, the economy is fucked and everyone's losing their homes but that's cool - it'll be like you've never left the United States.
Look, think it over mate and get back to us. Don't wait to long though, we've sent a similar letter to Al Gore and, failing that, we're considering Ron Paul.
Oh, and if you do decide to emigrate can you get an extra ticket for me?
Thanks for listening, and cheers.
Obama '09 UK!!!!
Miles Piranha,
"Voice of Britain."

Category: News and Politics

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