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DISAPOINTMENT
Man, how did this happen? I can remember a time when my parents were proud of me. Too bad that was sixth grade graduation. My dad gave me the last present he would ever truly give me, a Bradlee's watch. We were poor but something was something and i loved that fucking thing. My parents had a fallout shortly after and seperated. My dad moved to florida to lay down the foundation for a new life for us and my mom just decided not to go after she said she would when he was ready to bring us over...instead she left him. To this day I still wonder how would of life turned out if we had gone. Now don't get me wrong my father was no saint no matter how many times he he hipocritcally went to church, but I don't know...I just wonder I guess. Any how I moved on to middle school, high school, and all the mean while with out changing my way of being. A smart kid (receiving one of the top 50 mcas english scores in the state of Massachusetts for the 2001 tenth grade) but alwasy chose to fuck around (skippin school, smoking weed, popping E, taking shrooms, and of corse working my way to alcohalism) because hangin' out and making others laugh made me feel cool and that's what it was about but as my "friends" moved on and I was left in the trenches i realized what the fuck am I doing? Now I'm only 22 so it's not to late but I look at my mom and I can't help but wanna cry. No longer does she look at me like when I was 12. I can see her disapoinment in me and...and it hurts. I am full of dreams but it's only 'cuz I'm sleeping through life and that self awareness should be enough to wake me up inside but no. I record music and put it on myspace and that's as far as my motivation takes me and only because I can do it from the comfort of my own home. I feel I dug a hole so deep I've incapacitated myself from being able to get out and even if I did then what...I mean really, do I get a job and waste my life 9-5in it or follow a music carrer, a dream that could be shattered and whynd up in an even deeper depression, or end it all and rest in peace. Shit, I don't know why I mention the third one you gotta have self esteem to care enough to kill your self. Me I'd rather just wither away or go insane and go out on a rampage...you know all or nuthin' but all said and done I guess I'm just disapointed in myself. I'm sorry Ma, I'm sorry Pa, and I'm sorry God.
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