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Age: 40
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State: Oklahoma
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2008

April

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news#2
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March

SUNDAY, APRIL 6, 2008 (6:54 PM)

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DSL internet

(I'm feeling creative)

REFLECTIONS
by
John Holthe
Food tip#456:
Cheese tastes grate if properly prepared.

Well, this week sees me in a pretty good mood for I am now one of the many citizens of the computer world who said "Good-bye!" to dial-up and "Hello!" to high-speed Internet. Lots of people refer to this as DSL, but that's how I referred to my computer when it was on dial-up. It was DSL--Darn Slow Loading. Now, it's so fast that I'm already surfing the web before I even turn the computer on. The only problem with the high-speed Internet is that I am now noticing how slow things are in other areas of my life. For instance, I was at the store the other day and I saw this box of Minute Rice and I'm like, "Are you serious? I have to wait a whole minute to eat this rice? Forget that! I want the high-speed Internet rice!".
Oh, before I forget, I want to thank Lee Yabsley for helping me install the modem that went with my high-speed Internet and for fixing my phone. I don't know if I've ever mentioned Lee in a column before, but he is a very good friend of mine who has an IQ that I wish I had. Lee is so smart he can talk about almost anything while my contribution to a conversation is something like "I think it would be funny if the word "Minute" in "Minute Rice" was actually supposed to be pronounced "My-noot" instead of "men-it". All these years we thought the word "Minute" was referring to how long it takes to cook the rice, but it was actually reffering to the size of the rice." Ok, so maybe it's not that funny, but you can't deny that it would be weird if that happened. I don't know why you would take the time to deny that it would be weird if that happened, but you could if you wanted to.
I also want to give a shout-out to my nephew Samuel who turned 12 last Friday. Samuel had his birthday party at a skating rink where he asked me to join in on the fun. I was like "Ummm....Uncle John is 39 years old and hasn't perfected walking yet. I don't think I need to be putting wheels on my feet." My brother Lawrence and my goodest friend Ryun Bingham have their 49th and 9th birthdays coming up in the next few days. I told Ryun that I was going to buy him an elephant for his birthday and he politely replied, "No thanks. I wouldn't know where to put it."
Thanks to the high-speed Internet, I can now search the Internet for things to talk about in my column faster than ever. One of the things I found in a recent search was a news story about a mother in London who cremated a body she thought was that of her dead son, only for him to turn up alive later. My question is: What could you possibly say to the relatives of the cremated person that would even come close to an apology? I mean, how do you apologize for making a mistake like this? Usually, if you break something that belongs to someone else you say "I'm sorry" and then fix or replace the broken item. So, how do fix or replace an accidentally cremated person, use glue?
Another headline I found mentioned that scientists have recorded some eerie and strange sounds from the planet Saturn. If these sounds were recorded at night, it might be proof that aliens snore when they sleep. The headline of "Flasher strips off in court" caught my eye. I guess this guy wanted to show off his legal briefs.
Well, this column might be shorter than usual but i'm using a new writing program to write my columns with and I haven't figured out exactly how to use it yet so I'm going to stop here so I don't run out of space. I hope that's okay with you readers. I do think I have room for this joke.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin',
there's no paper on this side either!"

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