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2008

March

Facts About Ninjas!

MONDAY, MARCH 17, 2008 (7:54 PM)

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Facts About Ninjas!

(I'm feeling Ninja)

1. The five Ninja food groups are:
1. Eggrolls
2. Cookies
3. Small kittens
4. vengeance
5. and death
2. Ninja are mammary organisms.
3. Ninja fight ALL the time.
4. Ninja like to keep kittens purring by rubbing their cute little bellies. If you see a kitten purring for no reason, there is undoubtedly an unseen ninja rubbing its belly.
5. All ninja can wail on an electric guitar. However, they generally choose not to, as this tends to alert people to their presence.
6. Naruto is not, nor never will be anything that imitates or resembles a ninja
7. Ninjas and pirates and ninjas doesn't get along.
8. Ninja can kill people and not even think twice about it. In fact, it would be surprising if they thought once about it. Killing people is as much reflex for them as breathing.
9. High-level Ninja can kill people just by staring hard at the back of their heads. Therefore, it's a really bad idea to sit in front of a ninja at the movies and block his view.
10. Ninja are incredibly flexible. Like a ferret, or an octopus, a Ninja can escape through any hole he can see through.
11. Ninja can change color to blend in with their surroundings.
12. Ninja harness the awesome power of the weekend proof in battles with pirates.
13. Ninja do not watch television. Ever! But, they may make television.
14. Ninja are professionalized in the ancient art of 7.
15. Ninja do not vote. It's not that they don't care about civic responsobility, they just don't think there is any real difference between political parties. They would rather spend their time killing politicians than voting for them. Then again, wouldn't we all?
16. Ninja have the amazing ability to dislocate their jaws in order to swallow large prey.
17. Many Ninja have apparently turned to running fast food franchises, due to a general downturn in the "leaping out of the shadows and killing people" sector of the economy.
18. A ninja's primary way of fighting is to hide in the shadows and watch other people fight. Then, when the underdog is almost dead, the Ninja leaps out and kills him, thus gaining all the combat experience without all that messy combat. If a Ninja isn't quick enough to deliver the killing blow, he will probably still be quick enough to loot the corpse before the actual victor, and profit in this way instead.
19. When the need to break the silence and startle their enemy or unpaying pizza-delivery customers arises, the ninja cry of "Woh Chau" often bursts from their lips. Though several dialects of innate Ninja speak exist, this is by far the most popular.
20. If a Ninja emerges from hiding and sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.
21. High-level Ninja can reproduce asexually, like amoebas. If you cut a Ninja in half, each half will grow into a new Ninja.
22. A ninja can own anything in skee-ball.
23. The body of a Ninja is a deadly weapon, so Homeland Security has banned ninja from all domestic and international flights. For this reason, you'll see a lot of ninja if you take Greyhound. Or rather, you won't, if you know what I mean. But they're there.
24. To control their numbers, wisconsin fish and game recently introduced a Ninja hunting season. The bag limit during Ninja season is two Ninja (or headbands) per person, per day. But since then, the hunter population has dropped from 82,373 to 0 without any known Ninja deaths.
25. Whereas normal Japanese penii are 2 inches, the Ninja are 2 and a half inches. When exposed to water and sunlight, however, they expand an inch per day until they've grown to their full length of four feet. This is why some people believe ninja have tails.
26. If you can see a ninja, he is not a ninja.
27. If you can't see a ninja you're probably going to die very quickly.
28. Ninja are not ninja if they do not wear their super-cool ninja suits.
29. Ninja can live in your house for months without you noticing.
30. Ninja can resist Michael Jackson.
31. Ninja have sweet yo-yo skills.
32. Ninja cannot ride bicycles. Instead, they ride diecycles.
33. Ninja usually appear in the thousands.
34. Over half of all Ninja are from the Detroit area.
35. Ninja can kill people without emotional breakdowns.
36. Ninja are able to kill people without knowing where they are.
37. Ninja can kill people with all sort of things, including forks, gnomes and music. (Bjork is not a ninja, this has been proven by scientists.)
38. Ninja will kill you if they see you.
39. Ninja will kill your whole family if they kill you, so don't go and get yourself killed by a ninja.
40. Ninja don't kill people when they eat, but they CAN take a break from eating and kill you.
41. All ninja want to kill, no matter where, when and why.
42. Despite what you've learned as a kid, if someone stole a cookie from the cookie jar, it was a ninja.
43. The veracity of ninja nipples is capable of cutting through the finest of red meats.
44. Evil ninja can only attack one or two at a time. Good Ninja do not obey this rule because they can kick so much evil ninja ass, they don't need to.
45. If a Ninja fell in a forest, it wouldn't make a sound.
46. Ninja can run at the speed of any thing it sees.
47. Ninja are the coolest thing on the planet including The Hoff.
48. If you Google "ninja", you will not get any results, but a ninja will jump out of your computer and kill you.
49. If you try to make a ninja like you, it will only kill you faster.
50. If you try to make a ninja dislike you, it will give you a cookie, and then kill you faster.
51. There is an average of 32 ninja in every room.
52. Ninja train twenty nine hours a day from the age of three.
53. Ninja can also manipulate time.
54. Ninja don't like getting struck by lightning. But they can dance!
55. Ninja don't sweat.
56. Bullets can't kill ninja.
57. Ninja invented skateboarding.
58. Ninja can breathe under water anytime they want.
59. Ninja always land on their feet.
60. Ninja can crush golf balls with any two of their fingers.
61. Ninja can remove a spleen in one swift motion.
62. Ninja can remove their shadow if needed.
63. Ninja can hover for hours.
64. Ninja swords are always straight with a square handle guard. Always. Curves are for girls.
65. Jackie Chan is not a ninja.You think he's a ninja, therefore, he's not.
66. Ninja hate Jack Sparrow. Guess why.
67. God is a ninja.
68. How do ninja raise their children? From the dead.
69. You are not a ninja.
70. Playing Ninja Gaiden doesn't make you a ninja.
71. Narutards are NOT ninja.
72. Ninja hate Carrottop.
73. Ninja were the sole race to survive to ice age, and the death of the dinosaurs.
74. Ninja don't cry.
75. Ninja are 137% better than samurai.
76. Some Ninja live on the sun.
77. Ninja are the reason for global warming.
78. If you have ever been assassinated in Halo, it wasn't a person that killed you, it was a ninja.
79. Ninja only need half of a motion to kill you.
80. Ninja invented Greek Mythology.
81. There is a Ninja behind the curtains.
82. Ninja don't believe in Mexico.
83. Humans actually live forever, and when they die of "natural causes" it was a ninja. There is no such thing as natural causes.
84. Space ninja would be awesome.
85. Abraham Lincoln's beard is made of Ninja pubes.
86. White people have evolved to have big eyes to look out for ninja. This, however, does not help.
87. If you have sex with a ninja, you will be extremely successful, and have a statue carved out of stone for you. All of the presidents on Mount Rushmore have had fun with a ninja.
88. Ninja NEVER eat müslix.
89. Ninja only show their eyes to avoid confusion.
90. Ninja don't use the bathroom.
91. Ninja invented time so they could have a bit of a challenge.
92. Ninja are against filing cabinets and any sort of filing.
93. All ninja play poker with the yetis every tuesday.
94. Ninja are able to throw fat kids at tigers.
95. Ninja are the only race to have seen unicorns, dinosaurs, and other ninja.
96. If you ever hear voices in your head, it is because a ninja has snuck in and is talking to you.
97. There are more than 5 different races of villains: famous people, Jedis, pirates, samurai, and ninja.
98. Ninja make you miscarry.
99. Ninja can kill you by looking at you.
100. Ninja made it to level 20 in your video game.
101. Ninja need not to eat, they need only to kill.
102. Ninja don't use instant messengers. They are really sitting next to you, talking to you directly.
103. If you've ever had a heart attack, it was because a ninja said so.
104. Ninja can't be shanked by the guy who killed Bruce Wayne's parents.
105. If anything ever went missing, ninja did it.
106. Ninja never get the blue screen of death.
107. Ninja wrote half these facts.
108. Ninja can split things into 3 halves.
109. Ninja are only 84% eco-friendly.
110. Ninja usually do not travel, they appear.
111. Ninja trap all their victims with Chinese finger traps.
112. Ninja really rule the world.
113. Ninja are the only known people to have cured U.V.R.A.H.S better known as Uncontrollable Vigourous Rubbing Against Horses Syndrome.
114. Ninjas are the mortal enemy of midgets, pirates, werewolves, Tom Cruise, and people in general.
115. Jesus was trained by a Ninja.
116. Advanced ninjas can breathe fire.
117. Ninjas don't wear orange

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