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City: Hollywood, CA
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I am a level one security threat - p...
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I am a level one security threat - p...

SATURDAY, MAY 17, 2008 (10:10 PM)

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I am a level one security threat - part 1

I Am A Level One Security Threat It all started when the band rose to number one chart status at a radio station in Albany NY Christmas before last, with a dirty little ditty called Spread Eagle. KEQX was putting on a big show with current internet stars and chart toppers OK Go as the headlining band and invited us to play last minute. We never turn a show down if we can do it so of course we accepted. Our manager booked us some cheap tickets on Southwestern and we went for it. Sounds easy, right? Nope, not with Southwestern… Inflated egos, inept airline employees and crazy new rules applied to post 9/11 flying were gonna make this a trip to remember.

There was this attractive, thirty something, very dark skinned flight attendant (East Indian???) who apparently had some kind of problem with uptown drugs- Talking a mile a minute, mistakenly announcing to the passengers dismay that we were going to Chicago as opposed to our actual destination of Albany. I swear, ten people almost got up and off the plane thinking they were on the wrong flight. She had this really offensive, sequined X-Mass tree tie that looked like it was out of some cheesy Las Vegas themed holiday store and a cute bob haircut with sexy little bangs. It’s important to note that in another life, I would have somehow tried to bang the crap out of her. So they come through with drink orders and I ask for a water. She brings me an orange juice. I again request a water. Around twenty minutes later, she stumbles by and asks me if she’d ever brought my water… "No you didn’t" I reply with a smile. "Oh, I must be losing my mind, hold on…" Twenty minutes after that, she wanders by, looks at me and says, "I forgot your water again, didn’t I?" Runs off to get my water. Brings my water ten minutes later… "This woman is such an idiot" I think to myself, but I remember the happy time of year this is supposed to be, smile and thank her for my water, which finally arrived almost an hour into the flight. For me, the cool thing about drinking water is that almost immediately after drinking it, I have to go pee.

They say everyone should drink eight, 8 ounce glasses of water a day but when I do, I’m in the bathroom all day so I don’t really think anyone actually does this. Does anyone actually do this? Let me know if you do cause I’d like to shake your hand… Anyhoo, I had fallen into a restful slumber but was awoken when my bladder decided it was time for me to take a leak. Now, you know when your bladder wakes you up, it’s time to pee. So, I’m sitting there about six rows back when I realize that every time someone comes out of the bathroom, they are replaced by someone sitting in one of the six rows ahead of me. I come to realize that if I’m going to make it through this flight with out having to change my pants, I will have to get up my lazy ass up and queue in line. So, I get up after this rather large gentleman had been in there for around three minutes thinking this would, most likely, be around half the time it would take for a very fat, out of shape man, to empty his bowels… I was sick, on a broken foot (hundreds of long jumps from stage to barriers) and not feeling up to snuff so I timed it so as not to spend a bunch of time standing in line. So, after these three minutes, I walk to the front of the plane where my sexy, Christmassy if not slightly retarded stewardess had been sitting in one of the flip down chairs designated for the flight attendants. I stood in the galley adjacent to the bathroom and begin to wait. Almost immediately, she says; "You can’t stand there…" So I take a step closer to the bathroom door… "You can’t stand there either…" I walk over to her and look down at the empty flip down seat next to her and ask her if I can sit down there. "No, of course not!" She says.

Now, I have the vague idea that the seating protocol on a national Southwestern flight with regard to a passenger sitting in one of the flip down seats, does not include me actually doing so, however, I remember, sitting in one of these seats in the past. Could have been on maybe a more lackadaisical airline, but I do remember doing it. She rather rudely suggests that I go back to my seat at which point I lean over and tell her that if I do that, I will most likely be promptly "Pissing my fucking pants…" Uh oh… I guess she had either never had the "F bomb" dropped on her before, or, she was just a rather sheltered individual cause she pretty much lost it when I said it. Right as this exchange is taking place, with perfect timing, the large gentleman comes out of the WC and in a show of his gentlemanly nature, hence me referring to him as a gentleman earlier in the story, holds the door open for me. I smiled at her, then at him, and walked in. Once in, and positioned for success, I could hear her sounding extremely upset behind the door. Someone was loosing it: Terms like: "He’s a level one threat!" and, "Did you hear what he said to me?" coming, muffled through the door, rendered my penis, in the context of its primary function, useless! I was experiencing something us guys like to call "Stage fright". Yep, I couldn’t pee. This has happened to me in public restrooms before, you know, when you look over and there’s a six foot two biker guy only, ummm, he’s not a biker, peeing next to you, smiling at you? Yeah, like that. So, There I was; I could not pee! I yanked it, I pulled on it, I thought about warm water caressing the tips of my fingers. Hot showers… Nothing. Not a drop. "He’s going to jail for that one… He’s a level one threat!" How the fuck (oops, I did it again) could a guy take a leak with that kind of crap going on right outside the door?

I want to say as well, in defense of my manliness, that it generally takes a lot to take me out of my game. I have, on many occasions, peed in front of current girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, buddies, complete strangers, cops, etc. without a hitch. It’s generally only the creepy guy (six foot two, biker?) standing next to me in the public urinal, who stares at me with seemingly lascivious intentions who winds up, actually "Scaring the weasel". So, I finally, after around ten minutes of deep breathing and cock pulling, manage to give that shitty, little plane toilet, a decent amount of piss. To make matters worse, not only would the fucking seat not stay up, but for some reason, toilet paper was draped all over the thing so as to create a kind of disgusting Paper Mache mold of the seat. God forbid this managed ever managed to dry: "He’s a level one threat!" I could hear her scream in my thoughts. "He vandalized the urinal with piss and toilet paper! It’s like a sick, pee-pee, Paper Mache project!" She’d come in after me and lose her mind… After thinking myself into a panic, I realized I’d have to clean up before exiting. So, I laboriously went about making the place reasonably decent all the while hearing her cries: "What’s he doing in there? He’s taking way too long…" through the door. Poor lady had no idea what I was going through to save her prissy sensibilities and my own ass. I finally finished cleaning up the OTHER passengers piss mess and came out to a hysterical woman who immediately jumped down my throat proclaiming me, once again, "A level 1 security threat!" She yelled, she asked ALL of the other passengers within screaming distance whether or not they’d heard my transgression. Like a Chihuahua, she ran around barking, her stupid little bark. I kind of attempted to argue with her when some hippie lady from the front row let me in on a little secret. "She’s nuts, go back to your seat, you’re on an airplane, you cannot win…" She was right, I gave up. I was going to be arrested when we landed, and there was now, "nothing I could do about it" the retarded little Chihuahua barked. As I limped back to my seat, she followed me. Baiting me, trying to enroll me into her retarded post 9/11 fantasy that I had some how become a threat to our national security. When I got to my aisle seat, she kept at it. I turned my head down and to the other direction and didn’t say a word. She was absolutely hysterical. To Be Continued

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