Blog: jelliejam79 on LiveVideo.com

Gender: Female
Status: Taken
Age: 30
Sign: Libra
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its a thin line

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THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2008 (7:37 PM)

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its a thin line

Hello again friends! I hope i find you in good spirits and good health. Thank you once again for taking the time to find out whats going on in my life recently. Your reading this blog is greatly appreciated, trust me on that!
Anyway, I have a story to tell. Its about a thin line between love and hate. You see, I've been trying to be non-complacent in my life. I have noticed the quality of being complacent in the lives of others and it honestly, repulses me! I believe that us human beings always have the opportunity for growth. That there is aways something new to learn. Some new obstacle to overcome.
i guess what I'm trying to say is this; I fear of my life becoming stagnant. The place where my life is now is very far from where I would like to be. And I believe in some sort of 'grand design', that everything has a time and a place. I'M not trying to rush the fates or anything, I'M just saying that I need to do my part. I cant just sit on my ass and hope for things to get better. And there my friends, is where my frustration lies. You see, I live with someone. This person has been a friend of mine going on 8 yrs now. We have not spent a lot of time apart during those years. But now I find myself yearning for the day when I can be without them. Its not like I want to lose them forever,I would just like to be by myself again. But they would still however, remain a wonderful friend. That would be my ideal plan for the situation. But I think that we both know that this world doesn't work with ideals, unfortunately. So as of right now I have to stew in this misery that I have created. How did I create this? Well I'll tell you...
Eight years ago I moved in with a group off people. They were friends of friends of friends. Everything seemed cool until one night( right after I had payed rent may I add) they kicked me out! They told me that they had gone through my things and found some hallucinogens and did not want them in their home. Despite the fact that they were a bunch of pot smoking hippies, they showed me the door to a snowy December street. I knew no one in the area. Not to mention that just a few hours before I had ate a bunch of the hallucinegenics that they had found in my luggage. That is when I walked to the one place I could keep warm at that hour-- the train station. With no money and no idea what to do, I put my hand in my pocket. I felt something that I thought was money. Excited, I pulled it out only to find a phone number that I must have gotten during what I can only describe as my adventure that evening. Desperate, not knowing anything about who I was calling, only that the Name on the paper said-- Joe, I called it. Collect to boot!!
To make a long story short, Joe came to the phone. Directed me back to his house. And there I would stay for 3 months! Which then turned into the last 8 years. But unfortunately during these past years, we both have struggled with many demons. (For fear of being labeled- I'll use the word demons.) Joe pretty much supported me in the beginning. Totally. Fed me, housed me, even prided himself with the task of keeping me happy. You see, honestly, he wasn't the best looking guy, and that's to say the least( sorry Joe), but it's true. And he really never had the attention of the ladies. So I know that he tried his hardest to keep me around! He will even admit that.So when his allowances to me began to not be enough. 'Good Ole' Joe' began to steel from the company he was at in order to put up with my 'habits'.I know, I know. It sounds horrible. But I was going Thur a bad space at that time. Needless to say- he got fired. We than moved in to his Moms house together. That's when he began to join me in my quest for debauchery.During our downward spiral, we lived in various places. Using the most despicable tecniques of survival. Even my mother ( who is now incarcerated) got mixed up in our chicanery. That's when I started making the attempt to clean up my act. And ( Pat myself on the back) I'm doing a dam good job of it!!
Its been about three years now, and I'M finally getting my warped sense of reality to be some sort of realistic routine. Even my father is now proud of what he sees. So I know that I'm probably doing something right.
But back to where I started, complacency. I am still not by any means happy with the way I see things going. And I find my cries of objection falling upon deaf ears. I try not only to motivate change in myself but with others too. And my attempts seem futile!! I wish I could get changes wheels to turn faster. But I need to be careful what I wish for. I might get it!
Well that was my attempt of making a very long story short. I hope that I got my point across. And please keep in mind. I just shared a very sensitive part of my life with anyone who chooses to read it. Please take this story with a grain of salt. And remember that everyone has there process. I learn from mistakes- obviously. Just remember that I did do my best to change my ways. The girl that did all those dangerous things is a thing of the past. But now I'm left with a very sensitive soft shell. I'm not to tuff any more. And honestly, I don't want to be. I'm liking the person that I'm turning out to be. Kind, honest, caring. .. All that good stuff. -- God Bless-- Jellie

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Posted Mar 17, 09 by slpindrgn
those with real heart, as you seem to have, always pull through...
love and respect Jellie,

from,
Brotha love

Posted Dec 16, 08 by mackie33 (

)
hi jellie,
Unfortunately sometimes complacency smugness and self-righteousness in other ppl are suffocating. I agree! Just don't mistake fulfilment and contentment 4 any of the above negative feelings. When someone tries to rub yr nose in their 'holier-than-thou' u know they are doing it bcos they perceive u 2 be happier than they are. I am an atheist without any family and despite that I am not lonely 43 ppl, in fact the older I get the less I like ppl. I have 7 dogs who are the best family i cd ever want. Apart from having kids, there isn't much abt my life I wd change. Jellie don't kid yrself u will ever change anyone, except yrself. Be content with yr life or change it until it's what u really want. Changing a partners character is next 2 impossible but u may know that by now. I hope I don't sound pretentious or patronising! Cheers from Mackie Messer (slessorpr@YT) PS I left another comment on yr first blog too. U seem like a good person to me, 4 what it's worth!

Posted Dec 8, 08 by brothersracing2 (

)
Jellie,
Yes peeps do read blog's. All I can say is keep looking up, way up. Got to be more there than where ya been. Only you can change you, you are only resposible for you actions no one elses, and the only safe place is where your standing--that 1 square foot of carbon print. Keep us all posted on the outcome to be. wish ya mucho luck--may peace find you.
Patdaddy

Posted Nov 27, 08 by luvdabun (

)
good morning Jellie. Quite the story and I did read it. You sent me a friends request so Bun and I hopped on by to check ya out. I think you are very brave to share with us. We want to share a ~bunnie hugs~ with ya this chilly morning.
Only you can change your life. Looks like you got a good start.
Bunnies Rule!

Posted Nov 25, 08 by WelcomeToTheFamily (

)
Just to let you know, someone else read your story.
I pray you find whatever it is you want, that you continue on your path towards happiness. Don't ever give up.
Thanks for sharing the precious part of you.