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TUESDAY, MAY 5, 2009 (8:41 PM)

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May Horoscopes Libra - Pisces

(I'm feeling Retrogradish Part II)

Libra (September 23 – October 23) – Ready Libra? SEX! At least it’s out in the open now. We all know how much you LOVE to be in LOVE Libra, and I will say that you have the romance part down pat, but ummmmm, let’s face it you delicate Scale children really have a tendency to be major prisses in the bedroom. You STILL don’t get it? The old “in out, in out”? sigh……… When in doubt, shout it out…SEX! Sorry to get all graphic but Mercury will be going retrograde or backwards in your house of sexuality all this month. Add to that, the planet of communication will be doing an about face in your fellow Venus ruled sign of Taurus meaning that conversations in the bedroom are not only going to be mostly misdirected and misunderstood but words might get downright ugly! So start putting those pristine minds of yours in the gutter now Libra so you won’t be completely shell shocked when things get really dirty. Grab some smelling salts and repeatedly watch “Sex…….I’m A” by Berlin.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) – I love you Scorps I really do! If you’re not stealthily observing everyone in the shadows covered in an aura of mystery and sexual intrigue then you are being completely hardcore and doing everything with an almost life threatening intensity! Plus if you had it your way, talking would be a function used only for the most extreme of emergencies and would otherwise be outlawed by you deadly desert stingers! However, you are going to have to go against your o so fixed grains all this month my Scorpions. Mercury the planet of communication will be going backwards or in retrograde motion for most of May in your house of marriage and partnerships meaning that not only will you have to go out of your way and say more than just your perfunctory “strong but silent” one liners to your significant others this month, but you’ll have to talk even more to double check that your words (or lack of them) were not misunderstood or taken the wrong way by your sweetie. This should help, watch “Words” by Missing Persons.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) – I need to let you in on a major cosmic secret Sag. I’m letting all the other signs know that for most of May Mercury, the planet of communication is going backwards, or in retrograde motion. I then explain that this happens usually 3 times a year so that we all are made aware of how well or badly we are communicating or expressing ourselves. But between us, here’s the real reason. Mercury retrogrades occur simply to balance the universe from the Sagittarian’s favorite form of communication – the empty promise. Being ruled by Jupiter not only gives your sign a dumb luck factor that leaves the rest of us cross eyed, but the biggest planet in the solar system makes pretty much every word out of your horsey mouths exaggerated and over amplified so that you can’t help but promise the moon and the stars and commit to people in the biggest and most showey of ways! Those poor fools who actually believe what you say only come to find out well too soon that all those glitzy words amounted to nothing but centaur hot air. Let’s put it this way, if there WEREN’T any Mercury retrogrades, there would be a lot less Sagittarians! So you’re SUPPOSED to get caught in a few empty promises this month!! But hey, you could really put the universe in check way in advance by making this your mantra all month: If you don’t mean it, don’t say it!
Say that repeatedly and watch “Talk Talk” by Talk Talk.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) – Whenever a Mercury retrograde comes around, I always find it funny when your sign is criticized for having a style of speech that the other signs interpret as being haughty, cold or aloof whereas not only do I never have an issue with how you Goat children communicate but I find your manner of speech quite endearing! A Capricorn’s words mirror his work ethic – business formal. True, if a Cappie doesn’t know me well there have been times where I felt like I was being spoken to like a bank teller, but at least they said my name, looked me in the eye, used complete sentences and consistently said the words “Please” and “Thank you”! The planet of communication will be going retrograde through your house of children and creative self expression all this month Capricorn. So as far as your kids go, you might want to warm up your tone around the offspring all this month so that they don’t constantly feel like they are at a corporate board meeting. For those Cappies that are solo, for a change of pace this month strike up some small talk with any of the above mentioned complainers and every 3rd sentence throw in the word “Mother f*&%ker” That’ll make things a tad less distant and leave them completely tongue tied! Start things off by watching “Talk Dirty To Me” by Poison.)

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) – Did you know that you are an air sign, Aquarius? Swear to God, it’s true! Now the air signs are known for their communication skills and mental abilities but as far as you guys go, you have more than enough of the latter and really not a whole hell of a lot of the former. Like remember the time I offered you a ride home and asked you where to go? You were so lost in your head giving statistical variants of the best route of transportation based on wind velocity, and the Chi of the population being formulated by dividing the average number of Starbucks per square mile that you didn’t even notice being passed off to your roommate who kept thinking I didn’t notice him at first trying to drive past me??? Mercury, the planet that rules communication will be in retrograde motion for almost the entire month of May my Water Bearers. Usually at this point, I explain what retrograde motion is, but I know your big fat brains are fully versed on the dynamics of planetary motion. However! since you are the sign that marches to the beat of their own wind velocity,. I mean drummer, where I tell everyone else that during a Mercury retrograde thoughts go inwards and are passive and more contemplative for you this means the total opposite! All during May instead of getting lost in your own cavernous heads, a Mercury retrograde forces you Aquarians to speak not only as directly and as forward as possible but to use words and vocabulary that are short and resourceful! Less is more this month, Aquarius! To bring that point home, watch “Language is a Virus” by Laurie Anderson.)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Back when Brad was a tot when there was no such thing as the internet or cable TV, he would devotedly watch a show every Saturday night called “The Muppet Show.” And Pisces, there was one muppet in particular that simply was you in a nutshell! He was constantly in shock with the world around him, was always trying to blend in with the wallpaper to avoid being noticed and never said a single word! Even the episodic skit he was in didn’t have his name! But whenever “The Adventures of Dr. Honeydew” would start I knew that Beaker would be on in any second and would be forced into a life threatening situation where he would be so emotionally stunned that he could only utter choked, shocked gasps! Now all of this month, you will relate a little TOO much to Beaker, Pisces. You are getting a double whammy from Mercury in May because not only will the planet of communication be going retrograde or backwards in motion, but this will be occurring in its own house of communication for you my Fish children! Talking has always left a fishy taste in your mouths in general Pisces, but with Mercury playing pranks on his home turf you are going to pretty much be forced into situations all this month where you will HAVE to say your mind or simply speak when all you would rather do is be a Beaker and accidentily be blown to bits in a chemistry experiment that went o so wrong! The good side to all of this is the retrograde is mostly occurring in the very plain, upfront and simple sign of Taurus, so that even if all you can utter are single words, it’s still better than emotionally clamming up! Get some practice by watching “Doo doo doo Dah dah dah” by The Police.)

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