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TUESDAY, MAY 5, 2009 (8:29 PM)

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May's Horoscopes! Put the san back in insanity? Aries - Virgo

(I'm feeling Retrogradish)

May 2009 Horoscopes!

Aries (March 21 – April 20) – I’ve got your number down Aries! With everyone worried about the economy, you’ve kept your spending down to a minimum, but I know your weak spot – THE IMPULSE BUY! I know that when you do go into the “zone” with the impulse buy, not even a Mack truck can prevent you Rams from literally charging your horns off! Just know that Mercury is going in retrograde motion for pretty much the entire month of May AND in your house of money and ANY kind of new purchase during a Mercury Retrograde eventually turns into a lemon with you usually not getting your money back nor getting any kind of store credit. So just for this month Aries, spare your credit cards the aggravation and leave home without them! For some extra incentive listen to Information Society “Made to be Broken”.)

Taurus (April 21 – May 21) – HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAURUS!!! Ummm, can I speak to you way over here alone for a sec? Now my Bulls, it is your birthday month and that’s super great and everything, but we need to have a little talk…..First off during any month of the year I do my best to educate those ignorant fools whose idea of a present for you Venus ruled calves with great taste is a cheap or (even worse) a gag gift! I tell them to save the whoopi cushions and what not for those low brow fire signs and that it is far better to give you cows nothing more than warm wellwishes for your birthdays than something cheap. Now, with that said, Mercury will be going retrograde for pretty much the entire month AND in your house of self which means that pretty much not only will you hate every birthday gift you get this year but you will most likely be saying to yourselves “I thought this person loved me and THIS is what I get as a birthday gift?” So before you even graze to those bleak pastures, you’re going to write off in advance this year’s mis-purchases for you and listen to Altered Images, “Happy Birthday” repeatedly until your guests arrive! Let the festivities begin!

Gemini (May 22 – June 21) – Do the words “Chatty Kathy” strike a chord for you Gemini? Kind of? OK then, how about the phrase “talk up a blue streak”? My twins, talking for you is not just one of the many modes of communication any of those other signs of the zodiac can choose from…..for the Gemini, it’s right up there with breathing and eating, it’s that VITAL and life sustaining for you. With that said, the planet that rules not only your sign but talking in general is doing one of its nasty retrograde stints for pretty much all of May and it’ll happen in your house of self for the first week and then move backwards into your house of secrets and lies for the remainder of the month. Soooooo if I were you, and just for this month mind you, I would do a LOT more listening and catch up on all the talk in June. To help you kids zip it, listen to Berlin, “No More Words”!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22) – Cancer, I know that when you get stressed you like nothing better than to retreat into your shells and hide out at home. As a matter of fact staying at home is usually your solution to everything BUT this can’t be the easy way out this month! Mercury, the planet of communication will be going retrograde through your house of friendship for almost the entire month leaving plenty of room for you to feel misunderstood among your buddies and pulling you even more to batten down your hatches and go it alone at home. Home gives the Cancerian a sense of security, but over time if more and more friends get alienated or dropped, then your house will eventually become your special little prison! Retrograde refers to not only Mercury’s orbit but to also look backwards in time – which is another favorite pastime of you Crabs. So go digging through your past and discover some old friends that you’ve lost contact with this month! Listening to Queen’s “You’re My Best Friend” will keep you in an amicable mood.)

Leo (July 23 – August 23) – It’s tough being royal Leo…There are many times when the kings and queens of the jungle have to actually descend the throne and converse (or worse) petition commoners for things like money, business proposals, office supplies, etc. Have you ever watched when QEII has to ask Parliament for something? Of’times She’ll make such a long winded speech that many a whig will be scratched wondering what it was she was asking for in the first place! With that in mind, Mercury, the planet of communications will be taking a backward spin for almost the entire month in your house of career. So for all of May, instead of elaborating upon your perspective if you’re feeling misunderstood at work and basically demanding to be heard, shut your royal traps! The less you defend yourself, your opinions and your divine rights as an employee the more likely you’ll still have a job in June! Have your boss listen to “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22) – OK, Virgins I know how you love your lists, so I wrote one bullet pointing the areas of life that you actually DO need to worry about or just avoid all together this month – your in-laws, your professors, and oh yeah, the creator of the universe and of all living matter, all mighty God Himself. Your planetary ruler will be speedily going in reverse through your house of in-laws, higher education and organized religion for most of May, and we all know when you Virgins get nervous, your usually detail rich speaking skills can become so fast and tongue tied that the rite of exorcism has crossed the minds of both clergy and non clergy alike! I would suggest taking a vow of silence for most of the month and listening to “Shout at the Devil” by Motley Crue!

Category: Life

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