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Memoirs of the mentally ill
(I'm feeling blank)
As I sit here staring down at my hands, I see scars. Scars that bring up memories. Memories of my life and everything that has occured up until this point of my life. It is this that reminds me of the folly og the human condition and the biggest mental issue of mine. This issue is memory. Everyday I get up and i have memory, and everyday I wake up wishing I didn't have memory. It is this thought that makes me realize that if i were to wake up without memory I would yearn to have it again. Which is the folly of the human condition.
Now for the first 15 years of my life I lived with my past and the fucked up childhood i had. But Even though I lived with these memories and fucked up thoughts I was dealing with them the wrong way, or maybe it was the right way, I don't know anymore. At that point even though I could deal, I wasn't living right and when u don't live right, life bitch smacks some sense into you and tries to guide u on the right track. Now, getting back on the right track has it's positive and negative effects. Sadly enough for myself the negative outweighs the positive. I am talking internally of course. Now I started down the wrong road at the age of 13, I continued down it until 16 and at that point I had to backtrack out of where I was to go upon a new, better track. Meaning I had to deal with shit never previously dealt with in order to deal with new shit. Now I recieved therapy for 6 months dealing with shit about my past and honestly it didn't do shit but have a resonating effect on not only the memories I discussed there but as well as the memories I never mentioned.
Nothing that i have in myself today in myself, such as self worth and ambition, was acheived through the reminiscing of the past. These things were gained through the other struggles of life mainly the six months of living in a rehabilitation facility. It was basically a smack in the face from reality telling me to get my shit together right away. So I did, I changed who i was, but I was left witha mental illness and my past. Being mentally ill with an illness like depression and not being "sick" enough for meds or any kind of therapy left me to deal with life in my own way. Why am I writing this you might ask. I need this form of catharsis to relieve some of the thoughts in my head so my illness doesn't claim me soon.
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