Blog: Tanisha on LiveVideo.com

Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 23
Sign: Scorpio
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Blog Archive

2008

March

More!! randomness
More Randoms!!
The Beginning of a Good Thing
Well Hello!

MONDAY, MARCH 10, 2008 (10:03 PM)

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More!! randomness

(I'm feeling contemplative)

I quit school today, I withdrew from the bachelor of arts program. I have this sense that I just created my impending doom. I am only 21, is it possible at this age to say that I just ruined my life? Then why do I feel like I have? Again I ask why isn’t existence enough? Why does pride matter so much? Why do I need to make something of myself, why isn’t working and making a living enough? Why do I have to reach for more than that? In the end, isn’t it always about money?
…

He responds to me.
His comment: yeah right. Ttyl
Its so cold. So emotionaless. So formal. He doesn’t mean it but hes saying it, saying it like I should care enough about him to make him happy, because he isn’t. I wonder if its my job to make him happy, to make him feel good about the world and life. That’s all people really want, and need… a reason to be happy, a reason to make life worth living, and all they want from you is that reason.
…

How can I continue, when I know that these are the moments I will one day regret I never lived in?
Why is it that being depressed makes me feel better than accomplishing?
How do I radically change everything
…

I am defying my expectations. I am achieving that which I thought was unachievable. I will surpass my probability and stretch the limits of my social class. I will inspire, live fully and love, the greatest goals of a lifetime. I am more than you know, and will be more than you believe. Your expectations come from the right, but I will explode from the left. Knowledge is a limitation if you let it set the boundaries. But for me, there are no boundaries just opinions to prove wrong.
…

I’m tired of being the same girl to the same guys. My important relationships always seem to end the same way, I’m always the one that wants him. I’m starting to believe what they say about making a man chase. I try to become that girl that only cares about herself, the one men desire because they can’t have her. (or seemingly)
But then I wonder. What kind of a person would I be? Its practically hereditary, my inevitable nature to be toooo nice. I’m the one that always offers to buy beers, the one that rubs you when you say it is sore, the girl that will make dinner every night, and the one that will sacrifice sleep just to be with you. I do it because when I care about someone, its an extremely strong emotion and it honestly makes me happy when they are happy. Only problem is I expect the same for myself.
I don’t want to be with someone that isn’t the same way. I always end up feeling like I care way more than they ever have or will. I get so insecure because I don’t want to be left… my greatest desire is to get married and have a happy family. I don’t want to fight with my husband, and I don’t want divorce to ever be an option. I’m seriously afraid that having a partner around when raising my children will screw them up. I don’t need them to deal with attachment issues to someone I can’t make love them or me more. I want to be able to show my chlidren that true love is possible and that life isn’t just about sex. What is a relationship without love? Its physical desire. Its intercourse. It’s nothing special.
Its emotions without guidance so its chaotic and horrible. I don’t want them to live the way I have, and to have to experience the way I have to learn their lessons.
I feel like I’m going to be a horrible mother. I will be so emotional… I can see crying myself to sleep everynight thinking about my children and what they have to go through. I’m can already feel it, that sense that I’m creating their impending doom.
I know, I know, I think to negatively about things. I need to change. I need to switch up my method of treatment. I need to get a life. A good one anyway.

Category: Writing & Poetry

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Posted May 30, 08 by Macey
Tanisha,
I love you! I will never leave you. I am so happy that we've met.
I will be with you forever!!!

Luv always,
Shane.