Blog: Toni-Lee on LiveVideo.com

Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 21
Sign: Cancer
State: Massachusetts
Country:

United States

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2008

March

My dilemma

February

TUESDAY, MARCH 18, 2008 (4:40 PM)

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My dilemma

(I'm feeling confused)

Ok so… here is my current issue…

I have noticed that things have been a bit harder then it once was… ever since I moved back home… I mean… Sure I struggled a lot back in Oklahoma… but at least then I had a stable job… maybe I didn’t like the job a whole lot… but it still brought in the money and kept me on my feet and saved me a number of times… So yea… I guess I have been thinking… maybe wondering how things would be different if I stayed in Oklahoma and just went to school there… I mean I like the school I am at now. There are some good people there… though a lot of people them make it feel like high school all over again… but that’s besides the point. But it’s like I am in school. And I seem to be having a hard time getting a good job… I mean I got a new one just recently, and I hope that everything works out. But right now, I am not getting enough hours to hold on to… and I pretty much am not working at the video transfer place anymore, because they aren’t having enough business to really need me. So in a way I am on hold. But I an not holding my breath. So I am back on the job hunt belt… kind of unsure at this point. I mean I have had so much “luck” finding a good job (hint the sarcasm) I have applied to pretty much anything, from McDonalds and Wal-Mart’s, to employment agencies. And got no place… Anyways, what I was getting at was that I have been wondering if I had stayed in Oklahoma and went to college there… maybe things would have been better for me. But the main reason I didn’t want to go to college in Oklahoma was because they are WAY to religious down there. And the main reason I left Oklahoma was because I wanted to be with my family. But I guess it doesn’t feel like things have been any better. I mean I am glad I am able to spend time with my family. But maybe I interrupted something by coming up here… Sure I finally got in college and that is progress… but at the same time it feels like I am just in a stand still… as if I am not going anywhere in life… I thought by going to college I would feel like I am accomplishing something (which I am) but maybe going to college back at home was not the move I should have made… Like back in Oklahoma I went through hell and back, but before I left it started to feel like things might have been coming into place. But then… I left. I was so sure that I was going to be happy. I was so sure that I was going to make the right move… But I am not so sure anymore. All I ever do anymore is worry, about everything. I worry about money, I worry about love, I worry about the next day, I worry about the next bill, I worry about the next letter to the point where I seem to always be in this depression and it doesn’t feel like it is going to go anywhere unless I make one of those drastic moves that I am known for. The scary thing is, what if I express myself to my family? Would they support me? If I wanted to move back to Oklahoma or move someplace to start fresh… again. Would they support me? I mean I expressed some of what I am feeling to my G-ma. And she basically said that at least now I am with my family and if I fall they will be there for me. But do I really want to feel like I am relying on them? If all my attempts fail and I end up falling off that horse, do I really want to think I can rely on them? What if they can only handle so much and I lose that support? I am so used to being screwed over by people that I trust to the point where I fear to even trust my family in that sense. I mean my family is very poor. And they struggle enough to support themselves. What makes me think they can hold my weight too? ………. At least in Oklahoma I had a good job… it wasn’t the best but it was good. It was stable and it was like a home. And the people there felt like a family. And hell… if I would have stayed who knows if I could have tried getting a promotion. Hell I was one of the people who lasted longer then most. And I was well liked and got along with the people there. So who knows what possibilities could have been mine. Then I could have gone to school there and… who knows. Anyways. So yeah, this is my current issue, and I have a feeling this is one of those that will last till I make some kind of change. Anyways…

Ciao

Toni-Lee

Category: Blogging

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