Blog: Kat.Ballou on LiveVideo.com

Gender: Female
Age: 21
Sign: Leo
City: Boston
State: Massachusetts
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TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2008 (3:13 PM)

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soggy blog-too long.

Every family has that uncle.

That uncle lived with us for the better part of my younger years. No one else ever let him stay for long.

Because he moved into our little house, my brother and I had to share a room.

Me and my brother had a secret understanding that I would allow him to tease me with his friends and act tough like an older brother should. I remember those older boys used to pin me down, one sitting on each of my arms and legs and one on my chest, and hold their nasty sneaker over my nose and mouth.  They'd have me run around and serve them things while they played. Cups of lemonade when they played football in the yard. Sticks and grass when they set out to build a dam in the creek. I was always happy as long as they let me be around them. I can still see my brother standing shirtless, ribs probing the tanned skin on his scrawny chest with one hand on his hip, the other pointing at me, always telling his friends, "make the girl do it!"

But at night when we snuggled into bed in our room, I wasn't "the girl". I was Punch. A name he derived from what my mom called me when I was a baby: "paczki"--which for you non polish folk is pronounced "pawnchkee" and is a delecltable polish doughnut.  I was a baby of serious business fat rolls.

It was routine that each night, as soon as I came close to slumber, he would repeat this name over and over. I'd always hear it , but try to tune it out until he got so loud that I couldn't pretend to be sleeping any longer. "WHAT." I'd whisper.

"Are you awake?"

"No."

"Can I come sleep with you?"

I wasn't supposed to tell anyone that my brother was afraid of the dark.

I always acted like it was this great big inconvenience, but I guess I could make room. The truth is that on those nights that he wore himself out enough to pass out in his own bed, I always had a hard time falling asleep with out him. My bed felt too big.

My uncle spent most of the time on the couch. My mom was always rolling her eyes at him and telling him not to do this and that around the kids. But me and my brother thought he was the coolest thing on earth. Mom eventually gave up on trying to get us to sit down at the table for dinner "like a real family" because we wanted to eat off a tray like Uncle Phil did.

I stopped thinking he was cool around the age of eight. My brother never stopped.

Last year uncle Phil hung himself in his small apartment in Maryland.

My brother has been swapping one addiction for another since he was 15 years old. Since Uncle Phil died his condition has accelerated to a scary place. I don't know him any way now other than drinking, drunk, or hungover. He has become an unrecognizable asshole and it takes everything I have to keep from saying I almost don't give a shit anymore.

But I do.

I'm scared shitless to leave. I'm moving back to Boston in September and I am terrified of what might happen to him when I'm gone. I know he is an adult and it isn't my problem to solve, but I can't help it.

Sometimes when I turn off the blaring TV and he's curled into a fetal position on the couch, he looks like the big brother I knew back then. And it's in these moments that he won't remember in the morning that he calls me Punch again and I can't imagine leaving him behind.

end note:  I was almost tempted to, once again, do the cautionary foreword that I don't like posting dramatic "irl" stuff like this. But that's silly. I wrote it, and nothing good can come from it unless I put it out there for some advice. I don't have the right people to talk to for help with this little detail. I just have a feeling a lot people on here can relate in one way or another.

Category: Blogging

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Posted Aug 5, 08 by MasterOfTheControl
Once when I was 12 I had a potato look at me wrong... so I totally know where you are coming from. **hugs** Hang in there. I'm here for you. Other cliche shit.

Posted Jul 29, 08 by photo2010 (

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I wish more people had a heart like yours Kat. Most people run as far as they can from family problems. But I don't know what you can do for your bother unless he wants your help. I understand you're scared, but is there anything practical you can do? Are there any other family members your brother trusts who could offer help? The only other thing I can think of is speaking with a professional who deals with addiction, for advice.

Posted Jul 29, 08 by spacemonkey1310 (

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"Shit."

That was my first reaction when I read this. I know only too well the concerns for an older sibling intent on self-destruction via alcohol. I say alcohol, truth is by now I just don't know.

I know that every time I hear from my parents they tell me (without me asking) that she is doing much better now. Which of course means everything is the same.

I know that I'm glad there's an ocean between us so I don't have to be "involved" in the ongoing battles.

I know I feel like a dick for feeling like that.

But I also know that I've tried. I've made it clear that I will help her help herself for as long as it takes. And I know that however this ends, she knows I love(d) her.

So I shake my head and say "shit" every now and again. "And it's so hard to do but so easy to say, but sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away"

Posted Jul 29, 08 by JDProductions (

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Kat, I know it's difficult to see a close family member being self-destructive. We wish we could just "shake" some sense into them. Ultimately, it is THEY who must ask for help. No amount of pleading, begging or scolding will do that. You can only be supportive of them and not make excuses for them.

Family members may also lead a disfunctional life as a result. It's important that they also get help, be it Al-Anon, or the like. It really helps in coping with the situation, until such time as he asks for help.

Posted Jul 29, 08 by Trinith (

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Wish I knew what to do, or to tell you to do, but unfortunately my sister is the successful one out of the two of us. :(

Posted Jul 29, 08 by Lafwthme2 (

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I'm sure many of us can relate to having at least one relative like that. For me it's an uncle also. We've watched him gamble his way out of three marriages, turn his children away, lose homes and vehicles, build up huge debts and come close to losing the best woman he'll ever find... The problem is he has yet to admit he has a problem at all. We've all tried to help him but he's just not ready ,so the best thing we can do is to be present and let him know we love him but we do not support what he's doing and hope that when he's ready, he'll reach out to us. He truly has a huge heart and it's so heartbreaking to see him ruin his life over an addiction. Much respect hun. Hugs, Laf