Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled, states that not only are some things pre-determined but that some things are OVER-determined. I constantly go over and over my short-comings and have been particularly bothered about my retiring nature for some months now as I feel disappointed in myself and feel that I am a disappointment to others. I often feel overwhelmed by other's expectations of me. Hopefully, it will help me to put it here once and for all and to reframe my limitations as well as my gifts and perhaps not be so hard on myself.

My longtime professional friend (read therapist), Jim, tells me I am a cave-dweller as he is. He tells a story of when he was a child his mother gave him a birthday party inviting several of his friends. He left his party crying as there were too many people at his birthday party. Well, there are often too many people at my party...

I cherish my solitude. I get so exhausted being attentive when I am in company. Listening and thinking of something to say...exhausting. I think so many things came together to make me the way I am. Not least of which it is simply my nature to be solitary. Some people are you know! I am not depressed, I am not shy, I am not weak. I simply prefer my own company.

Jim tells me that I have some energy for company and then it is back to my cave for me. It has been a tremendous help for him to tell me this .. not only does he understand me, but he is like me. If only the rest of the population could understand. Instead they are positively baffled by me and think something is wrong with me. Or that I am mad at them or I am full of myself. My wish is that other people could be more self-contained (I am speaking of off-line life here for anyone reading this ;O) ).

Rembrandt's painting of Philosopher in Meditation has always resonated with me.. that is who I am. I have it framed beside my bed. I'm going back to my cave now and I hope I don't have any bad dreams about people demanding to know why I'm so absent.