Blog: Tanisha on LiveVideo.com

Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 23
Sign: Scorpio
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2008

March

More!! randomness
More Randoms!!
The Beginning of a Good Thing
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MONDAY, MARCH 10, 2008 (1:43 PM)

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The Beginning of a Good Thing

(I'm feeling calm)

Sooo this is the beginning of my "story" which is very incomplete and kinda all over the place. In the beginning I am talking about myself.. and i plan to elaborate eventually, but this is at its very very rough stage. I just wanna know if you like it so far, and if its worth elaborating on :) I will probably change alot of it in the end, especially when i go on about children, haha, and my cats, but you get the jist hopefully. I will be posting a continuation of this.. I have pages and pages written soo you can expect more from me!!!

The Beginning of a Good Thing

We have lived together for close to 10 years now. I was very shy at first and we rarely spoke, I still undoubtedly had my moments. I haven’t always been a silent observer, but only recently have I broken out of this “shell”. Its not me I want to talk about tho, its her.
I really think she is insane. But I’ll get back to that.
When I think back to the beginning of our journey together, I think we really only started interacting in the last year. But even then our understanding of eachother has always been limited. And maybe we just all have our moments of insanity? Hopefully
I’ve thought long and hard about why she is the way she is. Its an interesting topic it really is, it helps if you take the right point of view.
She was a dramatic child. In her eyes, every action was an action against or for her. Maybe it’s just the effects of being a child. I know that I wasn’t living with her for most of her early years so any voice of reason that could have possibly reached her was unavailable. As it usually is in those first few years..
I know that she spent time as a child crying, I know that she experienced traumatizing nightmares and sometimes horrifying thoughts. (which, hopefully only for a split second, are nearly as bad as horrifying experiences). She did dream, like a normal girl, about being a singer and getting married and living happily ever after. She grew up expecting for herself what any “normal” child would expect, love and happiness.
…

I don’t understand myself. Mind you, that isn’t the only reason I chose the profession I have. Will I ever understand everything? That I’m not sure about, I don’t think you could ever really be sure until it happens. Then you would understand everything, which would include understanding that you understand everything. At least I know that I am not done learning, and that this is not the end, and one day, if I keep trying to learn, I will understand more than I do now. This is a very comforting thought.
I’ve recently come to understand that there is such a thing as over thinking and it is something you should generally avoid. It leads to misunderstandings, overgeneralizations, and worst of all, paranoia. If you’re not careful, everything can seem hopeless. This, you want to avoid. I’ve had a problem with over thinking. When I think about humans, my thoughts can linger to how fragmented the human mind is, I start to think about how fragmented my own mind is, and I wonder how people can ever truly get close to each other when they are just so fucked up. This generally leads to depression. This should be avoided.
Of course I always remember the only thing that has proven itself continually, in various important and unimportant situations. I remember balance. I remember that life is not about to much or to little, but it is about the right amount. The amount, you must learn. Now I don’t claim to know everything. Just so we are sure about that.
But I question, and I wonder, and I get depressed often. This isn’t cool and is to be avoided but is evidently sometimes unavoidable.
I have had many life experiences, or so I believe, even though it will probably seem different when I am 50 years old. I feel like I’ve had a lot of experiences in the area of men anyway. I don’t even like to use the word men when referring to the males I have been in contact with in my life, I would prefer to use boys. But then you would think I was talking about males young in age, and I don’t want to give that impression. I may not have an extremely clear definition of what a man is, but I do know some essential features that most males lack.
A man, by my somewhat vague definition, is referring to a male that has courage, and does not fear the repercussions of his truthfulness. He is a father, a lover, a friend, and most importantly an equal. A man will try to understand and not judge, however unavoidable this may be.
Real Men are hard to come by. I thought I encountered a few in my day, but when I really think about it I don’t think I have ever met a real man and been sure of it. There is sometimes a grey line, like in the case of MY father. I have always looked up to him and admire his strength. But at the same time I have come to resent him. There has been more than a few times where my father questioned me and my faithfulness in him in his own depression and this weakness, combined with his lack not specifically of understanding, but of the care to truly understand me, has made me question even him.
Boys have no grey area. Depending on the mood you catch me in boys are either evil or good.
So. I have had an incredible urge lately to have a child. I know I am making it sound like a craving, but it IS a craving. That never passes… YES I KNOW I’m to young, I need a father, I never know just how hard it is, etc etc BUT that doesn’t shake the feeling. Why is everything I think about have to be so grandioso?? Why can’t a simple, normal lifestyle be satisfying? I have everything a girl my age would desire or need. I live on my own, I am attending school without being in significant debt, I am beautiful. What more do I need? Why does a child seem like the ultimate step? What will be the ultimate step once I have a child? When is just living ever going to be enough?
My mind and body are racing constantly. HaHa
SOOO I asked Ryan to have my baby the other day, because I explained my urges but he has heard them before. Its funny cause I think that he thought I was already pregnant so he started to consider the idea seriously. And the sad thing is that I want to be pregnant, but I’m not. My period will come, in 2 days, and I will hate it with everyone bone in my body. I will hate all women, the ones that have it all but don’t want it. The ones that let the little ones suffer while they fufill their selfish desire for promiscuous relationships, or just plain self-satisfaction. And maybe I’ll never understand until the baby is in my arms, or maybe when its 3 and it starts throwing tantrums, or when its 10 and hates me for holding it back. Because what is it that makes a woman hate her life because of her children?
Will it happen 2 me? I don’t want to hate myself one day, I don’t want to wonder why I let myself make such a hughe mistake at such a young age because of my whimsical desires. I want to always think that I have lived life the way I think best, that I have done the best I can for myself, and that every or atleast most major life choices I’ve made were good and right and thought through logically and made in a reasonable state of mind.
I don’t want to look back and think that everything I have done is a result of my irrational and ever-changing mind and mood swings. I want to be careful about my decisions, I want to think them through.
Its like my cats… I feel as though Merlin came at the right time, specifically at a chosen time, by some gracious understanding God. But Bella got sick, and she would have never gotten sick had my desire for a kitten and independence not been so great. I could have been smart, I could have left her with my mother while treating Merlin with antibiotics, I could have waited to get Merlin, I could have done so many other things. I was to eager. Will it happen with the child? Will it be a case of me being just to eager?

Category: Writing & Poetry

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