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Age: 15
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SATURDAY, MAY 17, 2008 (5:06 PM) Return to PoetryGirl94's blog
WARNING!!!: This May Be Depressing, But Please Read My Poem Anyway :) I'll Love You More If You Comment With What You Think
(I'm feeling anxious)


Death By Tomorrow
My heart's filled with sorrow
That even I can't contain
And when I see you tomorrow
I feel like I'm to blame

I'm searching out to you
To find the reason why
You seem to have no clue
As you look into the sky

Some clouds float by
As you say look up
And tell me you're about to die
So we can't hook-up

Tears fall down my cheek
As we say our last good-bye
I try not to freak
As he floats up to the sky.
-Sara S. Please don't copy this and say it's yours. I made this from a feeling. Thank you. :)

Category: Writing & Poetry
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Posted May 25, 08 by CJohns53
This poem has lots of potential because it is filled with "lots of emotion." I think you need to make it a little more clear as to the time element from what you say in line three of the first stanza "that you will see him tomorrow" and then you are looking at him in the present tense as if he is already dead and "has no clue" But then he tells you that he's about to die. In the last stanza, Are you in the "next day" that you refer to in line 3 of the first stanza. If this is a metaphor to love dying due to something you've done, because you say you blame yourself, unless you caused his death somehow, this doesn't make sense. I would let the readers know by referring to how he died, whether he is dead or your love is dead. I picture you thinking of going to his funeral tomorrow while looking at him in a casket because you say "he looks up at the sky" before you see him the next day. Abstraction needs to tell us that they are "in fact" representations of something else." Good imagery!
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